Suck it up

It seems that I am just going to have to accept what needs to happen, and suck up the fact that I don't like it. The simple truth is, I don't have to like change. I don't have to embrace it like a long lost relative. I just have to accept it.

I am going back to days at work, and while I am not thrilled about this I do know that it WAS one of my choices for the days off. So, I can suck it up.

Positive Sides:
1. My puppies will only have to be alone for 3-4 hours a day.
2. The days off are slightly better.

Negative Sides:
1. I will not see Nate except on Saturdays.
2. I will no longer be with my friends, except for a couple of hours a day.

The good news is that this will likely be temporary. If this program takes off then new shifts will be opening up, and then things can back to slightly normal.

I was also complaining today about having to come all the way into town on my day off to come to a meeting. But, as my friend pointed out to me, it's not always about the meeting... it's about showing that you are willing to make the effort in the first place. So, I will suck it up, and make the hour drive in to attend. I was going to do it anyway, but she put it in a better perspective for me, and I appreciate that.

Ugh

So, I have been sick for almost a week, and I was pretty sure it was just a cold. But when I woke up today I felt even worse than I had. So, Nate takes me to the doctor's office. The receptionist makes me put on a mask and sits me in a private waiting room. Oh, like that's not embarrassing. Then when they call me I have to get up and walk through the non isolated waiting room where the healthier people are looking at me like I have the plague.

I get in the room, and they make me keep the mask on while they take my vitals. They even have a thermometer that they run across my forehead so they can keep a safe distance from me. The doc did let me take the mask off so she could see my throat.

Then this total effing douchebag comes in joking about shoving this giant q tip into my brain. He hurt me and when I tried to get away from him (while trying to hit him) he laughed at me. Obviously, no one has done this to him. I wish it could be me.... douche.

So, I sit in there and wait, and finally the doctor comes back in and tells me I can take the mask off. It's not swine flu just type A influenza. It's viral so there is not much they can do to treat it. Rest, drink plenty of fluids, blah blah blah.

She wants me to take off til next Monday, but this is not possible. So we compromise for just two days.

LAME!

Rainy day

Things are getting better for me. I am determined to start the process of getting in better shape. That seems to be going pretty well for me.

I am also getting better at riding the 4 wheeler. Got all 4 wheels off the ground and obviously lived.

I honestly thing getting that raptor was the best thing we could have done. I have not had so much fun in a seriously long time.

I invite anyone who wants to ride out to my place.

Anyway, it has been raining for a bajillion hours and I need it to stop. It is starting to flood my road. I love rainy days, but I have had enough now. :)

Filter Anyone?

So, on a list of things you probably shouldn't say this has to be my best all week.

A new sales agent is pretty chatty, we talk from time to time. She got married yesterday to a guy I went to high school with.

As I am recognizing the name I blurt out, Oh Tony! I may have made out with him in high school.

Yeah, I am brilliant like that. But it gets better. I proceed to agree about what a man whore he was in high school. At least I was very clear in that I never put out for him AND it was before he knocked some girl up. (same year though.) I do however admit that this making out occurred in his infamous van, like so many of his other escapades, and said it was while he was pretending to be a bible thumper (because he totally was...) Total diarrhea of the mouth. I couldn't stop... Even with all the looks Amanda was giving me.

I laugh now remembering how my mom thought he was such a great guy. Sure he was polite and very charasmatic, but he really just wanted the pants around the ankle...

I truly hope their marriage works out. And I will work on that faulty filter. But if it worked all the times funny stories like this would not have happened.

I'm a dork...

If there are those of you who were currently unaware, then here is a news flash: I'm a dork.

I have played online MMO's, I read a ton, I follow some anime series... I admit it.

I read because I like to lose myself, see a different world, focus on someone else's issues. (They are always much more complicated than my own.) I like to get to know the character, think of them as real.

I like the way a writer can make a fantasy world, that if you just believed hard enough, seems completed feasible.

I love the way a book feels and smells. I feel sad to put it down in an improper resting place. (middle of a paragraph.)

Short and simple, I love reading books. Most types and genres. I want me some more books.

Amanda found this last night. It's amazingly fitting.

• You are going to move through this.

Aug. 28, 2009 at 1:35pm

You are going to move through this.

More importantly, I love you. YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE THROUGH THIS.

Don't be defeated. Submit yourself to the process. You are growing. You are changing. You are doing LIFE.

I am not trying to make you feel better. This fucking hurts, and there are no two ways around it.

But I am trying to encourage you to not retreat. I can't remove the pain, but I am going to hold your hand while it hurts.

Continue to reach out. You need people right now.

I'm here for anything you need.

You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.

Love you my friend.

- Anonymous

Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

http://www.twloha.com/blog/you-are-going-to-move/#comments

Dealing in our own way

The basic meaning of coping is to satisfy or fulfill a meaning. That doesn't really seem to be what I feel that I am doing right now.

Nate and I are handling our miscarriage. The way we are handling it may not really make sense to a lot of people, and that is understandable. I make jokes for things that make me uncomfortable or sad as my way to deal. So, if that makes some uncomfortable then I am sorry, and you are free to tune me out.

Some also don't understand that instead of saving the money we had saved for the expected doctor bills for delivery and such we bought a 4wheeler. Well, to them I say, "Suck It."

If I can't save that money in the amount of time it will take me to get pregnant and have a baby then I don't need to be having kids right now anyway.

For the most part I am doing ok. I am mostly happy. I have an effing amazing husband, a pretty decent job, awesome and supportive friends. I also have a lot of anger right now and sadness. And while I don't expect it to really pass right now, I do know that it will lessen. That is all I can hope for right now.

I slept in the room I intended for the baby's room last night holding the only outfit I had bought. I know that this is sad, but it kind of gave me a sense of closure. I will save that outfit, and will bring home my next baby in it.

So, though I originally intended something lighthearted for my first blog on here, this is what you got instead. I think I just needed to get it all off my chest.

I loves you all!