Needing a venue

I lately feel that there is so much I want to say to so many people. I feel I am constantly having to bite my tongue, and hold back what I really want/need to express. I know that it will eventually come out in one form or another, so I am going to unload a sample here, just to do it.

I would really like to know what kind of friends I have sometimes.  I would like to be able to hold a real conversation with some people.  It would be nice if an ounce of respect were actually there... ever.  I find it frustrating how much happiness relies on other people granting you a moment of their time. I wish that I could go about everything solo, and be fine with that, but that's asking a little much. I find it funny that you say you will be there for me, yet I hear nothing from you for days then weeks, and I'm pretty sure that it's all just bullshit anyway. 

I need to get to that 'whatever' point and just say fuck it. Then say, fuck you.

Been a while

I don't know if I can do this; I don't know if I even want this. All I know is I have to try.  I don't know that it'll be worth it, but I want the chance.  Fate and I haven't been the best of friends lately, but maybe my Karma will allow me a break, a chance.

So much going on. I need a pensieve like Dumbeldore's (Eff yeah I just made an HP reference)  to clear out some of the clutter in my brain.  

There are a lot of things going fantastically well for me right now, and I have so much to be grateful for on a daily basis. Why can't those things ever just be enough?  Is it human nature to want something more or different?

An unknown author once said, 
"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

What do I want?  What am I willing to sacrifice for that?  I have no clue, but I'll work on figuring that out.

All the mistakes I make arise from forsaking my own station and trying to see the object from another person's point of view.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


 9/29

I got a few emails about this one.  It's intentionally left vague as it deals with my work sitch. Nothing more, nothing less. 'Sides everything is cool.

 

So this is what happened.

Basically the full story is this: We are here in Davenport, IA because Nate's grandma is in the dying process. We were going to a bbq at Nate's sister Kelly's. We stopped at a grocery store to pick up some baked beans. As we were leaving this old man fell down in the parking lot and bloodied up his face and broke his pinky. Nate stopped and helped the man. After he got back in the car he was kind of shook up, but seemed ok. We got maybe 2 blocks away when he said he didn't feel good. Next thing I know he's fainted. I tried to wake him... I grabbed the wheel and put the car in neutral since his foot was on the gas. Somehow I managed to avoid hitting any other cars. We came up to another intersection and I had to choose the ravine or other cars and I chose the ravine. We flipped the car a few times and I am told we were airborn. I don't really know. I have a broken hand and collar bone, a cracked rib, and a crack in my sternum. Pretty major swelling on my face head and neck and scratches and bruises. Nate had a severe concussions and a cracked vertebrae. I got out of the hospital Monday and Nate got out of the ICU last night. I hope he's out of the hospital in a day or two.

What I want

I have taken some extra time this year to think over my new year's resolutions.

I think this might be because I can not think of a single resolution made for this time of year that I have kept. Well, I hope that this year will be different because I have taken careful consideration this year.

1. I want to make myself more available to my friends and family. I have become very isolated since moving to Walnut Grove, and I need to work on that. I work in Springfield, so I don't see why I haven't been more proactive about making plans with friends there. I want to work on that.

2. I want to lose 52 pounds this year. All fitness articles seem to agree that 1 pound a week is healthy, and I hope this is true. I have made some fairly good strides towards this goal already, and just want to keep it up. Nate and I have joined a gym where we can work out together on the weekends, and I will be happy to combine resolutions 1 and 2 if anyone wants to take advantage of a guest pass from time to time. But most importantly I want to make myself as healthy as possible for when I get pregnant again. I know that what happened last time is an act of Fate, but I want to know that I did EVERYTHING in my power to make it as perfect as possible.

3. I want to go on more vacations. Even just weekend getaways. Nate and I have not had a real vacation (just the two of us) ever. I think that this is beneficial to a marriage. Plus, it ties in with resolution number 4.

4. I want to try for another baby at some point this year. I don't think that needs explanations. :)

Suck it up

It seems that I am just going to have to accept what needs to happen, and suck up the fact that I don't like it. The simple truth is, I don't have to like change. I don't have to embrace it like a long lost relative. I just have to accept it.

I am going back to days at work, and while I am not thrilled about this I do know that it WAS one of my choices for the days off. So, I can suck it up.

Positive Sides:
1. My puppies will only have to be alone for 3-4 hours a day.
2. The days off are slightly better.

Negative Sides:
1. I will not see Nate except on Saturdays.
2. I will no longer be with my friends, except for a couple of hours a day.

The good news is that this will likely be temporary. If this program takes off then new shifts will be opening up, and then things can back to slightly normal.

I was also complaining today about having to come all the way into town on my day off to come to a meeting. But, as my friend pointed out to me, it's not always about the meeting... it's about showing that you are willing to make the effort in the first place. So, I will suck it up, and make the hour drive in to attend. I was going to do it anyway, but she put it in a better perspective for me, and I appreciate that.

Ugh

So, I have been sick for almost a week, and I was pretty sure it was just a cold. But when I woke up today I felt even worse than I had. So, Nate takes me to the doctor's office. The receptionist makes me put on a mask and sits me in a private waiting room. Oh, like that's not embarrassing. Then when they call me I have to get up and walk through the non isolated waiting room where the healthier people are looking at me like I have the plague.

I get in the room, and they make me keep the mask on while they take my vitals. They even have a thermometer that they run across my forehead so they can keep a safe distance from me. The doc did let me take the mask off so she could see my throat.

Then this total effing douchebag comes in joking about shoving this giant q tip into my brain. He hurt me and when I tried to get away from him (while trying to hit him) he laughed at me. Obviously, no one has done this to him. I wish it could be me.... douche.

So, I sit in there and wait, and finally the doctor comes back in and tells me I can take the mask off. It's not swine flu just type A influenza. It's viral so there is not much they can do to treat it. Rest, drink plenty of fluids, blah blah blah.

She wants me to take off til next Monday, but this is not possible. So we compromise for just two days.

LAME!

Rainy day

Things are getting better for me. I am determined to start the process of getting in better shape. That seems to be going pretty well for me.

I am also getting better at riding the 4 wheeler. Got all 4 wheels off the ground and obviously lived.

I honestly thing getting that raptor was the best thing we could have done. I have not had so much fun in a seriously long time.

I invite anyone who wants to ride out to my place.

Anyway, it has been raining for a bajillion hours and I need it to stop. It is starting to flood my road. I love rainy days, but I have had enough now. :)